Ever since coming to college I've been feeling strained in my relationship with Christ. After having Christian education for 13+ years, hearing the same basic message over and over, I've almost felt numb. Not that I am not still amazed by the grace Christ gives us every day (hence the blog title), but the repetitiveness of it all has definitely had a toll on me spiritually. This past year has been the hardest for me. In May of 2010, my church of my entire life closed, leaving me without the church family I've grown up with, and the church building I practically lived in. While I wasn't mad at God or blame Him for anything, this was definitely a speed bump in my spiritual walk. I didn't want to go to church on Sundays because it was too weird, and sometimes, too painful. I guess I've never fully recovered. Throughout the summer, I attended a church close to home, often going by myself...but something was missing- my family.
In October, my parents and I started going to another church on a regular basis and we've been there ever since. I'm not in love with it, but it's the closest thing to home I've ever felt in another church. It doesn't have the ministries I'm looking for and I'm still just as much without the support as when I was church hopping. The people are friendly, but I really only see it as a temporary church. The question creeps to my mind very often "will I ever feel at home in a church again?" MY church closed a year ago. Every other church is someone else's.
I felt this the most at Easter. Every once in a while I get "homesick" for the church I new and loved, but it has been almost a year. Over Easter weekend I couldn't help but think of the music we'd be singing or the festivities that would be happening back at my church. During the song service, we sang classic Easter hymns and I was choking back hot tears. Most of these songs I've only sung at one spot- my church. As I sang "He Arose" and other hymns, flashbacks of 20 years gone by continuously came to mind.
Not feeling connected to a church has had more effect on my spiritual walk than I ever imagined. I'm struggling badly with continuously developing a relationship with God...and it's sad that sometimes I don't even notice. Just before Easter I realized that I hadn't spent time with God, through church, chapel, or daily devotions, in at least three weeks. My soul is dying of thirst and hunger, and yet I feel so unworthy and ashamed to approach the throne now. I was in chapel for a meeting the other day and just being in that room, where chapel happens daily and I usually hear the Word and talk with Christ, filled me with such an emotion of refreshment. No wonder I am so exhausted and worn out- my soul is dried up.
A good friend and mentor of mine gave me a devotional book that I was doing for a while. I committed to doing it daily...for a while. Now I have not touched it in over a month. Like I said, I feel so ashamed and unworthy to go back now. I need community. Christian community. This summer, I need to get involved in a small group or house church. That's the problem- I have no Christian fellowship, spending time in the Word. I can't do it on my own. First of all, I need the strength and motivation of Christ. Secondly, I need the BODY of Christ. I'm one that needs the encouragement and accountability.
I'm sorry if this post has been too personal or emotional. Part of me hesitates on even posting such personal feelings online, but I know I'm not the only one that struggles. And personally, I'd like to hear from those who have been there, or are there now.
I'm focusing on the cross and daily grace.
Today, I chose grace...
Lois
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